Grieving the Past and Living in the Present

The year 2024 has been so much lighter for me in a general sense. I walked into this year with the attitude that everything that could have wiped out my faith and my hope last year failed, and so that gives me a sense of confidence that not only is God with me but that I’m a little wiser than I was 365 days ago. 

It’s funny, though, how sometimes we can be on this wave of feeling like the impossible is possible and that our best days are ahead of us, and then something triggers that old mindset that we’ve been working so hard to overcome. I am reading and studying Psalm 121 daily, I am praying for things I’ve never prayed for, and I’m believing for things I cannot yet see only to wake up to these thoughts that have the potential to put me in a place I so desperately don’t want to go back to. I’m talking about a place of doubt and being unnecessarily critical of myself despite how good and beautiful life is and how accomplished I am. I say this humbly.

Let me explain. 

Last week, I was an emotional mess, and the tears just kept flowing. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what was bothering me, so like I’ve gotten into the practice of doing, I self-evaluated. I took time to ask myself what was wrong. I processed my feelings instead of just sitting in them. What I landed on was that I was overwhelmed. I was still pulling myself in too many directions creatively. I was focusing on decisions made in my past instead of focusing on the present. Gratitude went right out the door, and instead, I turned my attention to what could have been today had I done a few things differently. I was in a battle with thoughts, and I wasn’t about to lose (again)!

Sometimes, we let feelings speak louder than facts. Sometimes, we let our feelings speak louder than what God’s word says. Sometimes, we let feelings, which are so very fickle, influence our perspective and how we move. Sometimes, we need to feel what we feel, fact-check how we feel [against what God has to say], and let that thing go. Feelings aren’t bad, but allowing feelings to consume us so much so that we lose sight of what is, what could be, and, or who God is is simply dangerous.

If you have been here before on my blog, you know that I have written about the concept of time and how precious it is. Here’s the thing: I don’t believe my time is up, but I do recognize that I’ve not used my time as wisely as I would have liked over the years when it comes to how I show up for myself in many respects. Yes, I am fully aware that I can’t get that time back, and while this isn’t a new epiphany, the weight of knowing feels a little different as I approach my fortieth birthday. 

Evaluating decisions, moves I didn’t make, who I gave my heart to, and many other things that have transpired in my life sometimes leave me very sad. My therapist reminded me a few days ago that being sad is okay. To cry is okay. To process is okay. But I’ve also got to learn to give more compassion and grace to the woman I was at the time when I look over my life. I get that. I have to know and believe with everything in me that through it all, God has allowed me to learn, grow, and evolve, and the real travesty would be making it to this point in life never having learned anything about myself or God. God is so good to me that it leaves little room for complaining or even wondering where I’d be in life had I made different decisions. Here are just a few….

Where would I be in life had I majored in Creative Writing instead of double majoring in Psychology and Business?

Where would I be if I didn’t find myself in an on-and-off situationship throughout my twenties?

Where would I be in life had I truly surrendered my life to God in my twenties? [My twenties were a wild ride if you haven’t figured that out yet.

Where would I be if self-doubt didn’t have a hold on me so much that throughout life I’ve sort of tip-toed around the gifts and talents God has given me?

Where would I be if my younger self knew how to advocate for herself better in friendships and relationships?

I will no longer play the what-if game with myself. The truth of the matter is that even if we could go back and change the decisions made in our past, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we would be in a different place today. That decision we wish we could overturn could have sent us on a different path, but not necessarily a better one. We have to remember that perspective is everything. I will no longer have this attitude that I need to make up for lost time; instead, I will choose to focus on the here and now. I will no longer dissect past decisions I cannot change but lean towards being fully present for who I am becoming right now. I will no longer feel this imaginary pressure to do all the things because it’s more important to move with wisdom. I genuinely believe that grinding should not be associated with grieving the past, but instead, letting go and making room for what is and what is to come is the better option.

We have the responsibility not to let time slip through our fingers. We must play an active role in who we want to be and what we want out of life. If we spend more time thinking about what could have been, we will never fully show up for what is. If we focus more on what we don’t have, we will never indeed be grateful for what we do have. If we don’t train our minds to lean towards God and what He has to say, our thoughts and feelings will send us on a road of confusion, lack of confidence, and, you guessed it, wasting precious time.

Let’s be present for today.

Let’s use the past as fuel to do better and live better.

Let’s give ourselves some compassion.

Let’s learn something from who we used to be so we don’t revert to that version of ourselves.

Let’s give our younger selves some grace and compassion.

Let’s create space to feel and give ourselves permission to let go.

Let’s remember that the present is a gift and may we use this time wisely.

KRYSTLE