Nothing Will Be Forced
It has been a couple of weeks since I entered a new decade. I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for a birthday. I am so grateful for life and all the beautiful things that are to come. Turning forty, for me, is very much connected to freedom from the past and truly showing up for myself in a new way. It is not a new chapter but more like a brand-spanking new book of life. I am looking ahead with so much optimism but we’ll get to that later….
Every year, I write a blog post for my birthday, but for some reason, I initially couldn’t find the words when I sat down to document my thoughts and feelings on this milestone birthday. I wasn’t going to force it. I suppose that illustrates where I am in life. I’m not forcing anything but instead leaning towards being intentional about the who, what, when, and where of my life. I want to be led by God in all things, big and small. I want to dream and do and live with more ease and less stress. I no longer wish to complicate simple things.
It’s not to say I’ve been in the business of forcing things before turning forty, but now more than ever, I want to operate with more wisdom on how I spend my time, who I am connected to, what I am consuming, and how I am living. Time is such a precious thing. It will slip through our fingers if we let it. I’ve spent so much of my life struggling with self-doubt and being afraid of being seen. There have been times when I felt like I had to try all the things instead of just staying committed to what God has called me to do. In this season of life, I am challenging myself to slow down, live more, and trust God with every decision that I make.
If we could take a trip down memory lane for just a moment…..
As a kid, I was extremely shy. Books and anything creative kept me satisfied.
In my teenage years, I was a bit awkward. I never really belonged to one group of friends, and I didn’t feel seen outside of my parents. Frankly, I didn’t see myself. I hated high school so much that when the opportunity presented itself to skip a grade, I took it and ran with it. So, I started college at seventeen and let me tell you, a time was had.
My college years set the stage for choosing people and things over God. I had one foot in and one foot out regarding my faith. I’d find myself seeking validation from all the wrong places (and people). It’s wild, though, because I always felt God's presence even when I was as lost as ever. He was always pulling on me. I may have ignored it many times, but He was calling me. God was always there, and He never left me!
My thirties was one word: chill. I spent a lot of time by myself. I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to reflect on the decisions I made in my twenties. I needed Jesus! There was a lot of intentional growth, introspection, and a little adventure. I traveled the world [Trinidad, Dominican Republic, Cape Town, Bali, and Singapore]. I wrote books. I was a speaker at events. At work, I experienced hills and valleys. The valleys looked like crying in the car during my lunch break because I hated my work environment, and the hills looked like God orchestrating opportunities in a way that only He could. I learned the value of a dollar. [We want so badly to grow up until those bills and responsibilities get real.] There was joy and sorrow. There were tears, and there were celebrations. There were lessons to be learned….
In 2021, I decided to start dating. I would find myself essentially in a relationship that taught me so much. On the surface, I had found my person, but time would prove different. The greatest lesson I learned from this relationship is that it’s one thing to be in a relationship; it’s another to be in a relationship that honors God. The details of the relationship don’t matter. The lesson for me is that we should never dive in head first in a relationship [or an opportunity] without consulting with God first. And if God disapproves, we have to be willing to put our feelings and selfish desires to the side so that we can make moves in a way that honors God.
It has taken me some time to accept without regret that I will never get back two years of my life. I no longer feel sadness because I’ve grieved my decisions; most importantly, I have learned from them. I could have believed the lie that at this age, I’m just supposed to accept anything for the sake of being with someone. I could have continued to invest in something that no longer brought any value to my life. I could have chosen convenience over conviction. It was a process for sure, but now that the dust has settled, I am confident that moving on was the wisest thing for my heart and my future.
All in all, the last year of my thirties was the best and yet the hardest year of my life because I had to dig deep and work through things that lived in my heart towards myself, friendships, a relationship ending, and hurt that has lingered for a very long time. I lost a lot of things that meant a lot to me, but I gained perspective along the way. I told my therapist that I wanted to leave 2023 empty of all the things that I needed to let go of. There are still some situations from the past that I am still grieving and trying to wrap my mind around. The good news is that I’ve learned the value of giving myself grace and the space to grow through things, which I will take with me for the rest of my life.
The forty-year-old woman that I am is far from perfect. I am a beautiful mess. I’ve struggled through so many things, and there is still so much to learn. The significant difference between who I am today and who I was before is that I’m okay with being peculiar. I am more than satisfied with being different. I want to be set apart. I will never apologize for my convictions or where God is taking me. Throughout life, I’ve always been perceived as either too holy for some people or not holy enough for others. I understand now more than ever that I am not responsible for how people perceive me. I am, however, responsible for deciding how I see myself. I am responsible for tending to those parts of myself that no one else sees. I have a great duty to my future self to heal, learn, unlearn, try again, etc. How I treat myself is crucial. Again, how I see myself is critical. So, the journey continues. Growing into the woman God has called me to be will continue.
Life has a way of testing what we say we believe in. I’m not sure what the next decade of my life looks like, but I see it full of opportunity. I always say that life is good and beautiful no matter what it looks like. Life may not be perfect, but God is always God, and that’s good news. I have one hope and prayer for my life: to live a life that honors God. I want my life to be fulfilled by the things of God above anything else. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. I will share the good news of Jesus Christ, and I will do so unapologetically. I want joy and hope when life tries to overtake me and I know that the only way to do so is if I lean towards Jesus.
I mentioned earlier that nothing will be forced. There is this flow that I desire for my life that is connected to trusting God. There will be hard days. There are trials waiting for me in the coming days that will test my faith. I know this. But there is also something about trusting God’s plans for my life. There is something about looking back and remembering all the times He has met me where I was and changed my mind for the better. In my own strength, I will fail every single time, but with God, by my side, I have a fighting chance to live the life He created especially for me.
Again, nothing will be forced on me, and I love that for me.
Krystle
