Growing and Grieving

Hello friends…

Well, I’ve not published a new blog post in so long. This particular blog post has been sitting in my drafts since October. Yes, October. In full transparency, I’ve spent most of this year trying to get myself together. It’s almost as if I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, and from month to month, it has been quite the ride. I decided months ago, after a break that I wanted to leave this year empty. What I mean is that it’s important to me to acknowledge and process what lives in my heart and my mind now more than ever. I guess you can call this a journey of self-reflection that has required me to create space for myself to think, pray, journal, and do all the things without all the distractions. Sure, I’ve had my share of fun this year, but I’ve also experienced heartbreak and many changes that I didn’t even have a chance to brace myself for.

This idea of leaving it all on the table really started because I want to walk into my forties (in March 2024) a new and improved version of myself. The more I started to talk through things, the more I realized just how much had weighed on me that I needed to release. (Shout out to my therapist Kandice!) From processing disappointments to shifts in friendships to realizing that I put an extreme amount of pressure on myself in all things, the revelations have been coming in fast and furious.

In May of this year, life started to feel so heavy. I was feeling mentally and physically exhausted, and I found myself struggling to have a proper conversation with God where I could hear Him clearly, and that was unacceptable to me. I no longer had the desire to create any type of content. Writing felt forced, so I took a break from that as well. I put projects I had hoped to complete this year on hold. I needed a reset. I needed to figure out some things about myself. I needed to process some things.

So, I stepped away from social media for a short while. I started going to therapy on a more consistent basis. I started reading my bible regularly, which genuinely is a game-changer. I got back in the gym, which has been such a great investment in myself. I started to create and embrace silence to think and feel. I am grateful for a series by Jerry Flowers called Voices that was right on time for me because, again, I felt like I could not hear from God clearly. If you feel disconnected from God or like there’s too much “noise” in your life, I encourage you to listen to this entire series. It truly helped me identify what was speaking louder than God in my life, and that influenced me to start making some changes that are still in progress.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve got life all figured out now, but we know it doesn’t work like that. I am still grieving certain seasons coming to an end. I’m still growing through the hurt that still lingers in my heart. I’m also learning repeatedly that receiving grace and giving grace require different things of us. Growing and grieving is the best way to describe this year, but I’m okay because I know this too shall pass. I’m in the process of healing and evolving, and I love that for me. I’m in a much better place than I was months ago. I don’t feel like my old self again because I’m not her anymore.

My hope for myself is that I won’t miss the lessons God wants me to learn. I don’t want years to pass by and there is no evidence that God is working through my life. I’m not referring to material things or money. I’m talking about things like forgiving folks who aren’t sorry and handling stressful situations with wisdom because I know without a doubt that God is with me. I’m talking about being sensitive to what God has to say to me about me and being intentional about making necessary changes in my life to honor Him better.

Something I am reminded of when I sit and reflect on all the things I’ve lost and gained is that God is faithful. He is always good, and so that is why we, as life happens, should always lean towards Him. Jesus Christ truly is the only thing in this world that has the power to keep us. Period. To seek strength or clarity solely from anyone or anything outside of Him will never be enough. Never.

So, the journey continues. Processing and praying continues. Positioning myself to hear from God continues. Letting go and seeking understanding continues. Learning and unlearning continues. Taking ownership of decisions made, whether wise or unwise, continues. Learning to give myself space to try again, continues.

If you have experienced hard days this year, you aren’t alone. I’m right there with you and more importantly, so is God. I encourage you as I encourage myself to make an intentional effort to know Him better because when we do, we are more equipped to live in a way that honors Him. It won’t always be easy, and it might even get lonely at times, but it will always be worth it to grow with God.