Sacrifice and Solitude: Farewell 2022
My word for 2022 is “sacrifice.” I came into this year with the mindset that I would give up whatever I needed to be better spiritually, financially, and just in an overall sense. The year prior I felt stuck in a job that seemed to suck the life out of me. So many ups and downs in my faith and so as we started this year, I felt like it couldn’t get any worse. I told myself that everything I experienced the year prior would not be in vein, and it wasn’t. Let me tell you something, God is faithful. He is not faithful when we get what we’ve prayed for. He is faithful even while we wait. Let me explain…
After applying for over 40 jobs + 8 (or 9) interviews in 2021 that did not result in a single job offer, to see God open a door that didn’t even require an interview was a reminder that God ain’t concerned about all the kicking, screaming, complaining, and coming up with my own exit plans when things get rough. He wanted to get my attention, and He did. I started a new job on January 17, 2022 and hear me, it has been a game changer. The lesson in all of this for me is not that God answers prayers but that when God is involved, there is no question. I didn’t do this. I didn’t set this up. I didn’t do anything to deserve how God orchestrated this new job. God did it! Fast forward to today, I am thriving. I love my job and I look forward to going to work every single day. If that ain’t God having a plan and wanting me to just trust Him, then I don’t know what to call it! Again, God is faithful even while we wait and even when we don’t get what we’ve prayed for. It’s about trusting His plan and while I have not mastered the ability to surrender to God fully (I’m a work in progress), I know that God is real. I know that His plans are good and perfect, always.
Now, back to this whole thing about sacrificing…..
I told myself that this would be the year where I made sacrifices regarding my time, my finances, and my talents! Basically, short term sacrifices for the long term game has been my mindset throughout this year. Now, I had my share of fun, spent more than a few nights doing absolutely nothing productive, and I’ve spent some coins on a thing or two, okay?! But I felt it, oh I felt it ya’ll. Not going. Going without. Not partaking. More dressing down (in my pjs) than dressing up. The first half especially of this year I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines. I knew I wanted to write another book. I knew I wanted to save some money. I knew I needed to clear my mind and heart of things that I’ve struggled with year after year. I didn’t realize that when I chose sacrifice, solitude would come with it. Ya’ll, growth can feel lonely but I think sometimes quieting the voices (and thoughts and opinions) of others to hear God clearly but also figure out who we are and what exactly we want without outside influences is powerful. Might I add that therapy has been the safe space I’ve needed for years and I am so glad that every other week (or every week if needed) I am able to invest in my mental and spiritual health because it has changed me for the better. Honestly, some of those things I’ve struggled with over the years still lives with me at this very moment but I’m not running from them but instead looking them right in the eyes and will continue to do the work so that I can be better for me and for the people I love.
Sacrifice don’t feel like sacrifice unless you feel it. - Pastor Michael Todd
Speaking of relationships, I don’t know if it’s related to getting closer to 40…. (I don’t turn 40 until 2024..)…but this year I struggled relationally. It could very well be due to my decision to spend a good bit of time by myself but I also think it’s just part of life. If I’m honest there are a lot of friendships in my life that look different now than they did even a year ago. I’m single while a lot of people I’ve called my friend are married and, or mothers. Our lives are different. We are different, and that’s okay. It really is okay. And no, I’m not making the argument that people who are in different seasons of life cannot remain close. One of my closest friends has been married for 12 years with a 21 year old and an 11 year old. Our lives couldn’t be more different, but what keeps us connected is our love for God and creating and growing. So yes, two people in different seasons can do life together as friends but sometimes things change and not because something happened but because it just is.
Distance in time and space will never change the love I have for people who I’ve had the best of times with throughout my life. I must say though that assumptions are a dangerous thing and one thing I will intentionally practice in my relationships is to be open about how I feel and to communicate it in love so that it is hopefully received well. I can’t say it enough, safe spaces are important. When someone shares something with us, we should respect it and hold on to it. I hope and pray I am a safe space for the people who call me “friend,” and I hope that grace, understanding, and respect would be not be foreign in the connections I have and will make for the days to come.
Something I don’t think I’ve written much about is my “love life.” I started dating someone at the start of the pandemic and he became my very best friend. I could real life write a book about falling in love, fighting for love, and dating in my late thirties. (whew!). In all seriousness, in the last year and half (and some change) I have learned so much about myself and never have I been vulnerable and open with someone. You’re probably like, sis, so what’s up with the relationship? I’ll save that update for another day but what I can tell you is that my heart has been through many things this year and through it all I know I have the strength to do what’s best for me and that is something my twenty something year old self could not do. (insert praise break)
1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on it’s own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing; but rejoices with truth.
Today as I write this blog post I feel so full. Full from the community I’ve built online. Full from knowing I am loved and supported. Full from my parents praying for me and encouraging me as only they can do. Full from knowing that God is absolutely in control of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Full because I know who I am when I walk into a room. Full because I know that I never have to settle. Full because growth and sacrifice and asking myself really hard questions is not foreign to me. Full because God’s love meets me where I am. Full because God doesn’t require perfection. I am full because God has been so good to me in every way possible, and for that I am so thankful.
And even while I am full there are still questions that linger in my heart that only God has the answer to, and so the journey continues. The journey of becoming the woman God wants me to be continues. The journey of knowing God on a deeper level continues. The journey of learning new things and unlearning those things that no longer serve me well continues. Letting go and picking up whatever is necessary to continue to evolve continues. The journey of quieting the thoughts that sometimes try to take control and giving God the space and opportunity to speak to me continues.
If you are reading this, I want to take the time to remind you that whatever happened in 2022, God is with you and loves you (Joshua 1:9). This world is full of distractions but I encourage you as I encourage myself to make time for God every single day. It won’t look the same for all of us but make room for Him. I will be right there with you trying to do better and live better. I pray and hope that as we close this year we would leave behind the things that don’t serve us well so that we can make space for what what’s to come.
K R Y S T L E
